What's Really Cool About Marriage?

As those of you who really care about my life details may know, I recently got married. 2 months ago to be exact. It was pretty much the best day of my life ever (besides when I bought my first Michael Kors or my first Women’s Studies class) and I can’t imagine a better wedding day. I’ve learned a lot about marriage in my years of living in sin/2 whole months of official legalities. For instance, treat your spouse how you would want to be treated, Wii Bowling games can get ugly, and date nights are super awesome with wedding rings. This blog post isn’t about how I’m an old married lady and have soooo much wisdom after 2 months though. I know, I know, you want my awesome in your face newlywed advice but please, let’s save that for another time. This blog post is on what I’ve learned about gay marriage by actually getting married. Cue the clicking out of this browser and freaking out that this crazy Christian is still talking about The Church and gay marriage…Whew! That was a mouthful. I’m not going to preach at how awful and homophobic Christians are (although be honest, we certainly can be), just take a minute and hear what I have to say. I won’t change minds today and if you already agree with me you’ll just agree with everything I’m saying anyway, but hear me out because this blog post may just make you think. I have always been for gay marriage. I’m pretty liberal and hang out with liberal people and it just plain makes sense. It’s a right that all people should have and frankly, gay marriage isn’t a risk to the sanctity of marriage, straight people are. Before I got engaged, I thought that not getting married would be the best way to stand up for gay marriage. If not everyone can get married, then why should I? It’s one form of activism and I still support people for doing it but I hadn’t really wanted to get married…and then I did. That’s when I stopped thinking in terms of legality and more emotionally. Marriage comes with a ton of legal rights that I don’t take lightly. Civil Unions leave out quite a few rights that marriage offers and they’re pretty important. (http://www.legalmatch.com/law-library/article/marriage-compared-to-civil-unions.html) In addition to the legal right, we have the emotional connection of marriage. You know what’s really cool about marriage? Everything. I get to call my partner my husband and when I do, everyone backs up that title. When I say, “this is my husband,” everyone at a party, our friends, and family would never call our relationship anything other than husband/wife, or marriage. Those words carry a weight and respect that is universally accepted. Even if my family didn’t accept my partner into our family (they do, it’s okay) they would still know that legally he is my husband and no ill will can change that fact because we have a marriage license to prove it. When we went on vacation to another state right after our wedding, our marriage was still recognized. Wherever we go, we are husband and wife and only we can decide if that stops (by the way it won’t). Legally being recognized holds that emotional weight with it. When we went to get our marriage license before the wedding, it didn’t feel “business like”, it felt incredible and loving (also hilarious but the Dolly Parton drag queen incident is for another day). The point is that when I say “husband” friends, family, society, and our government also has to acknowledge it. It’s a fact and we even saw our marriage officially posted a week after our wedding. We have our marriage license handy for legal purposes but also because we love having it and knowing we shared our commitment in front of our loved ones. It’s pretty awesome knowing we love each other a whole bunch and everybody knows it (including our government). The personal is political. Is the sanctity in marriage really held in us denying the right or in 2 consenting adults who love each other so much that they desperately want the right to marry? I don’t know that minds can be changed on this topic (at least for a while longer). A lot depends on whom we know, how we’re raised, and religious views. I do think hearts can be changed though. And my heart says that more Christians need to come forward. A lot of things haven’t changed in our relationship since we got hitched. We still binge watch television together like The Sopranos or 24. We still play Wii Bowling with a vengeance and help each other get out of plans we don’t want to keep. But a lot has changed too. All of a sudden we’re in a marriage and we feel closer than ever. Sometimes we feel like the only two people on earth and it’s overwhelmingly special and intimate. If someone told me my marriage wasn’t legal, it would feel like a slap in the face and it would cheapen everything we’ve built together. We would still go on to have our relationship together but I would always want that legal and societal recognition. I really would. I’ll never understand what that’s like and I’m sure over the years I’ll take my right for granted, but at least today I can acknowledge it. I do believe we’re entering a different era and gay marriage will be legal in all states. While these changed happen (a little late if you ask me) we need to open our hearts to tolerance and love as Jesus would. We need to rethink why we’ve been so against things that seem so sacred a family friendly. After all, we’re all just trying to live our best lives while we get so few years on this planet. We’re all just trying to do our best. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an awesome game of Wii Bowling with my awesome husband (who’s also going to lose this game so tragically he’ll look like a Game of Thrones character).

Yet Another Wedding Post

Okay, so when I started to blog I wanted to analyze pop culture and hot topics from my feminist Christian background. I didn’t want a MySpace type diary or anything along those lines. Instead, I wanted to use my personal experiences while still keeping some to myself (crazy in this day and age). But I also know that being honest with other women is important in a world where we’re increasingly encouraged to engage in jealous/negative behavior. There’s no room for honesty when we’re all trying to prove nothing’s wrong. Conflicting feelings have never been more present in my life than my engagement/wedding planning. I find myself wondering a lot does anyone else feel this way? No, this blog post isn’t going to be too much information or make you wonder why this isn’t in my diary. But maybe you’ll relate to it or laugh a little (or think I’m weird). Hopefully, I make a little sense and am able to share my point without sharing my whole personal life online. Here goes. I’ve written about my engagement before when it first happened and why my partner and I decided to get married. I know we engaged people love to chat about the wedding and our brand new lives together blah blah gag me, but I’ve had some different feelings since planning the actual wedding day and our lives together. When I first got engaged I didn’t want a ring and was weary about the wedding planning process because I’ve seen quite a few friends go crazy once this started (not all my friends) and if it can happen to them it can happen to me. I started slowly booking things and decided on a two-year engagement because, quite frankly, I was scared. I was scared to become all about “me” and “my day” and lose all my friends and family because I turned into an awful human being like on the television show Bridezillas. Pause. Let’s take a second to think about how we view brides in the media. Usually it’s a heterosexual woman who is stressed, mean, or crazy (or all of the above). So already we’re talking about a heteronormative view that also doesn’t really depict women in a nice way. We make jokes about “bridezillas”, watch them on television, and joke about our girlfriends who live up to this stereotype. While some shows also depict men in a negative light or include same sex weddings (gee, what an honor) the stereotype is normally directed toward straight women. “Bridezilla” themed showers and bachelorette parties are often seen as a fun light hearted way to celebrate, now making this negative view of women a main stream joke. But are we really in on the joke? If you’re not the bride and you have a vagina, you’re automatically put in the jealous bridesmaid category. See, you’re not left out either ladies! Movies like Bachelorette and 27 Dresses depict the old saying “always a bridesmaid, never a bride”. Because all women care about is being a bride or taking a bride down. How do we have time to do anything else in life? Play. Now that we have a little overview maybe it’s a little more clear why I was so hesitant to start planning and therefore officially taking my title as “bride”. At a food tasting I attended, a woman in charge asked for the name of the bride and I just stood there waiting for the bride to speak up until one minute later I realized it was me. Oops. I didn’t want a white dress but once I started looking at dresses I got the fever and tried them on in a nice boutique where I spent a kidney and a leg on a gorgeous designer gown. I joked that this was my most important fashion choice ever. I also looked at wedding rings one day (my future sister in law used to work in a very nice jewelry store) and all things sparkly distracted me. Well, that night my partner and I decided a ring would be a nice symbol and so he picked out one. That’s when things started to spiral. Disclaimer: before I continue I’m not judging women or men who completely embrace the wedding planning process. I understand that for same sex couples being able to legally plan a wedding is a new dream come true or still a dream to come true depending on where you live. I also understand that to even plan a wedding requires money and family support (financially, emotionally, etc.) and I am officially recognizing my place of privilege while also analyzing my own personal journey through my own engagement. So I was spiraling. All at once everyone was excited and wanted to see a picture of my dress (which was nice and sweet, don’t get me wrong) and once my ring was on my finger everyone wanted to see it…even strangers. There was a lot of attention on me, not my partner, and suddenly strangers, friends, and family were always asking me about what I wanted for the ceremony, reception, bridal shower, etc. In other words, life was all about me. I am not exactly a wallflower so I didn’t exactly mind this attention. Women would grab my hand and I would proudly show off my ring. What happened to a symbol of love and conflict free diamonds? Apparently I traded in my TOMS for some Jimmy Choos and enjoyed the ride. Then, I needed to make more and more decisions and pretty soon between all the attention and demands on my time I crashed. I couldn’t handle any more wedding, engagement, or diamond attention for the time being. It was easy for me to get wrapped up in wedding, wedding, wedding because part of me liked it. Everyone showering a bride to be with attention was suddenly very appealing to me and after supporting my own friends it was nice to get some showering of my own. But over the summer I stopped all wedding planning temporarily. I needed to find myself again. My partner and I moved in together officially, adopted a dog, and started to plan our lives together. We went on a few family vacations and I felt relaxed and ready for our new chapter as a couple. I’m excited for our wedding day (and my wedding dress) but it’s a beautiful day. I’m more excited for our beautiful life. Now when people ask to see my ring I can calm myself, say thank you, and mention what a beautiful gift it is from my partner and how impressed I am with his skill to pick a piece of jewelry on his own that fits me so well. It’s a nice moment instead of a validating moment. When I show people my wedding dress it’s a beautiful dress that I am so happy to wear while also recognizing that what makes me truly happy is my whole life (and all my other fashion choices). Some people may want to show off a huge diamond, their new last name (still keeping mine), or obsess about the wedding and I think that’s a great choice too. I understand people who love and embrace the experience and I also understand people who just want the marriage license. My way isn’t the only or right way but for me, I needed to take a step back. I try not to stress about the wedding and instead plan a great party for our friends and family who we love so much. It’s a fun process that I feel blessed to have with my partner and enjoy rather than obsess. I’m a lot more than a bride to be. I’m a daughter, friend, CEO, rescue dog mom, Sunday school teacher, fashionista, cook, and hilarious person. I just happen to be getting married to an awesome guy. Without my wedding I would be still be amazing and all those things. And my dress is crazy awesome.

What's the Big Deal About a Dog?

So, my partner and I adopted a dog. We recently moved and have a great neighborhood to walk in so we did what most people do when they move into together and we decided to get an animal. I wanted a puppy but we soon realized that we didn’t have the time or resources for a brand new puppy (hello brand new carpet that I want to stay pee stain free) so we looked into adopting a dog who was 1-3 years old. While we couldn’t get a puppy, I worried about connecting with a grown dog right away (you want them to love only you) so we notified our local veterinary practice that also has a rescue/adoption program. I did everything right. I researched breeds thoroughly and found after a suggestion that a Lhasa Apso would be perfect for “city living”. For those who are unfamiliar, this breed of dog is on the smaller side, very loyal, quiet, calm, and couch lovers. They still require the usual long walks (what dog doesn’t) but are mostly dogs who want a cuddle. I knew we wanted a girl, a Lhasa Apso, and ages 1-3. I was so proud of myself for all my research and preparation (slight OCD happening). I contacted the Adoption service and offered references, a description of our new home and prepared to wait until they had a pet who matched our criteria. My partner was away for his PHD program but we had all the time in the world and we knew the process could take some time. Wrong. Less than 24 hours later I was in a park meeting Maggie, a 7 year old Lhasa Apso/Terrier mix with a dramatic past. I was asked to take her home that day and here I had nothing for a dog at all and a partner who was still across the country. My mother helped me buy everything a dog would need (or what we guessed Maggie liked) and then I was suddenly home alone with a 7 year old dog that was in desperate need of some tlc. I thought I’d done everything right but yet here I was on a couch with a foreign creature that had lived a life I hadn’t been around for while we stared at the other suspiciously. I was overwhelmed with her immediate attachment to me yet her inability to fully trust me. She was slow to sit on my lap or come to me when she needed something but if I left her for work or the store she cried when I came home because she missed me. It was an immense responsibility and I had no way to measure how well I was doing. Maybe I should explain about Maggie. When Maggie was a puppy, no one really knows what happened to her. All we know is that she was neglected and eventually needed a new home. Her face was on a flier at our vet’s office at the exact moment a woman, whose children were grown, was putting down her dog with cancer. This woman saw Maggie’s face and said, “I’d like to adopt this dog now.” Maggie’s life was pretty good after that adoption. The duo spent all their time together and Maggie became accustomed to drive thru windows where the staff knew and rewarded her adorable presence. Maggie was the center of attention and had a very happy, blessed life where she wasn’t left alone a lot. Then her owner was diagnosed with cancer and as her disease progressed, the famous duo moved into a new home where her owner’s daughter cared for them. Eventually, Maggie’s owner passed away and once again Maggie was without an owner. Her current home had a baby on the way and 2 big labs creating a chaos that no one wanted, especially Maggie. So here I was with a dog that lives life thinking, “Who will leave me next?” Her separation anxiety and confusion over the last several events in her life have created an anxious, timid dog. I had no clue what I was doing or how to help her so I just went on instinct. I showered her with love and attention and always came back home to her after leaving. I even (okay you can laugh at this) said constantly out loud to her as if she understood, “I’ll never leave you. I’ll always come back.” Then after 3 days the most incredible thing happened. I was sitting on the couch petting Maggie and playing with her when I stopped briefly and Maggie very gently and timidly put out her paw on my leg to show affection (and yes the desire for me to never stop rubbing her belly). You would have though I won the lottery. At that exact moment I felt my heart open in a way I didn’t know it could as Maggie said in her own dog language, “You’re my person now.” When my partner came home we had more adjustments to make but every day Maggie came out of her shell more and more. From day one she was the mildest mannered and well behaved dog, but her confidence grew. Her former owners told me that she didn’t like to play much but now I find her toys everywhere because she’s so happy. Maggie still has some separation anxiety and shyness but now our family wouldn’t be complete without her. I still remember feeling the weight of her past on my shoulders, but now instead of feeling sorry for her I see her strength. Adopting an older dog has taught me to never give up on life or feel like you can’t move forward. Maggie could have easily never trusted us as her family but instead she doesn’t live in the past. She chooses to move forward and learns to love life again. Her calm spirit often reminds me to slow down and breathe a little. I was so worried about not bringing home a puppy, but now my heart has learned a new way of love. It’s a love that acknowledges the past Maggie had and lets her know that now she can relax and know we’ll both always be here. I too have a past full of mistakes and heartache but now I see it only strengthens our love for life, other people, and even animals. Whenever I have a bad day, I see Maggie and realize it only feels that way today. We’ll always have a tomorrow and we can all come back from any hurt. There are better days ahead. I’m happy to report that Maggie now chases squirrels in the park, barks at strangers (only a few times) and leaves her toys all over the house. We’ve gone from not having a dog bowl to not remembering how we lived without her. I’m not saying everyone should go out an adopt an older dog but if you’re thinking about giving any animal a home, shelters and adoption programs can help you find the perfect dog or cat for you. You can also donate to your local animal shelters or programs that use and train shelter dogs for service. And the next time someone rolls their eyes and says you love your dog way too much, point out how shelter dogs are used to help wounded soldiers or how when Hurricane Katrina hit, many victims wouldn’t leave without their animals so nonprofits helped rescue their animals too! Say what you will but don't tell a pet owner their pet isn't special. Or just listen to this Hymn All things bright and beautiful All creatures great and small, All things wise and wonderful, The Lord God made them all. All Things Bright and Beautiful

Crotch Shots...What's Up With that?

When did it become a perfectly appropriate thing for the paparazzi to take shots up celebrity women’s dresses when they get out of cars? I know what you’re thinking, “But, Naomi, can’t they get out of a car appropriately?” Have you ever tried to get out of a car gracefully in a dress? First of all, even when I’m wearing a long dress to church, it’s hard to get out of a car like a “lady” (I picture myself drinking tea with the cast of Downton Abbey). I don’t look like Audrey Hepburn even in jeans but a dress can be a difficult thing to work with. Every week there’s a new picture of a famous woman (even Duchess of Cambridge, then Kate Middleton) trying to get out of a car in a fashionable dress. Let me be clear, by “fashionable” I mean impossible to move in. We want to see stars wearing the latest fashion and being “best dressed” but those outfits often mean it’s very difficult to move in or GET OUT OF A LIMO. If a woman says, “Hey, here’s a crotch shot you can take of me, guys. Let’s do this,” then that’s her choice (a strange choice, but a choice). But if someone is getting out of a car why are we taking shots up their skirts and dresses? I don’t see pictures of men’s crotches every time they stretch their legs getting out of cars (note: this is not a suggestion and no one wants to see this). I don’t see men being stuffed into sequined dresses or gowns that require certain or no undergarments (and you try telling Rachel Zoe no to a great Chanel dress). When my friends and I are wearing dresses and getting out of cars sometimes we have to guard the other as we make it out, because even a knee length skirt can go wrong climbing out of a back seat. This is a true story and ladies out there, be a friend and guard a vagina slip. And I don’t even want to think about getting out of a car in my wedding dress…YIKES. Speaking of which, a future sorry to my bridesmaids because they’re not wearing evening gown length. It’s hard enough being a woman do we really need crotch shots now? Do I really need to be this paranoid? Home girl can’t even walk at night in Columbus and now I can’t even drive? Not cool. Some of you may not be swayed and to this I say, if I wear a super cute dress and have trouble getting out of a car, should 5 seconds of time be depicted over and over on the Internet and then define my character and name? Nope. Just like how the time Joe Biden dropped the F bomb shouldn’t define him. That was prettttyyyyy funny though. And despite my humor with this subject, taking sexually explicit pictures of women without their knowledge is kind of a HUGE deal. Despite legal issues, this promotes rape culture. Rape Culture is an environment in which rape is prevalent and in which sexual violence against women is normalized and excused in the media and popular culture. Rape culture is perpetuated through the use of misogynistic language, the objectification of women’s bodies, and the glamorization of sexual violence, thereby creating a society that disregards women’s rights and safety (Marshall University Women’s Center). Sounds about right. These pictures can make us think women getting out of cars and limos deserve to be degraded by taking pictures of their underwear and/or vulvas (the correct term). Those pictures promote viewing women as objects and deserving of degradation. What do we know happens with degrading women and viewing them as objects and not people? Sexual violence. Gee, that wasn’t even that great of a leap. I’ll leave with the words of Anne Hathaway. This is how she answered after Matt Lauer from The Today Show asked her about a photo taken of her getting out of a limo when she wasn’t wearing underwear underneath her dress "It was obviously an unfortunate incident. It kind of made me sad on two accounts. One was that I was very sad that we live in an age when someone takes a picture of another person in a vulnerable moment, and rather than delete it, and do the decent thing, sells it. And I'm sorry that we live in a culture that commodifies the sexuality of unwilling participants. Which brings us back to Les Mis [...] So lets get back to Les Mis."(http://jezebel.com/5967783/anne-hathaway-finds-the-brouhaha-about-her-crotch-shot-sad) Couldn’t have said it better myself, Anne. Also, that Academy Award belonged to you…screw ‘em.

In Honor of Other Women...

I am someone who believes in supporting other women. I think as women we can’t do this enough and with all these Bravo shows (even I watch them as guilty pleasures) and other reality television depicting women as catty or mean to each other, I want to celebrate my friends. She’s going to kill me but Kayti Adams is a great friend and wonderful human being. Kayti and I met in high school (she’s slightly older than I am) when I dated her younger brother (he’s slightly younger than I). We connected a little but after parting my ways with her brother and my high school sweetheart (hi, Robbie), we lost touch. Then, I started this blog with the help of a great friend and mentor (hi, A!) and Kayti was one of the first people to share my blog links and comment on them! Every week she shared her own experiences and encouraged me to continue writing. Pretty soon, we were hanging out again and sharing our own battles with self-esteem. Kayti is a great businesswoman and knows all the ins and outs of creating and maintaining a business, as well as a master with finances. She kept insisting I create a non-profit. God help you if Kayti Adams believes in her heart that you should be doing something because she kept texting me and telling me that I was meant to be working in the non profit world (as she does!). She believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. One day, because of her persistence, I mentioned working with teen girls. I was volunteering with my church’s youth group at the time and desperately wanted to do more after my own issues with self-esteem as a teenager. I mentioned this idea to Kayti about helping girls with self esteem and she created a non profit out of it. When I wondered what our vision could be, she brain stormed with me and insisted this could be huge. Together we created The Self Worth Project, LLC (now accepting donations, shameless plug). We lead self-esteem workshops for teen girls and then discuss any issues of body image or self-esteem they may be facing. We encourage them to support and encourage each other as young women while they go through these tough times. Kayti Adams gave me my dream. We both have a passion for our non-profit and it’s a passion I never knew we could make a reality until she stepped in. Kayti is a great co founder and CFO but she’s also a great friend. She’s one of the most introspective people I know and she’s always looking to do better. She’s the girl you can laugh or cry with. No matter what she’s there. So in support of women, here’s to you, Kayti. The best co founder, friend, and bridesmaid I know.

Not So Secret Life of Girls

I can remember 6th grade being the first year I realized I was wearing the wrong clothes. I’m not sure how it started, maybe one day I just looked down and saw jeans and shoes that no one else was wearing, but after that realization I couldn’t go back. I never cared about my hair, barely wore make up, and had a hard time convincing my mom that $60 wasn’t too much for a pair of jeans from The Limited Too. Do you guys remember that place? It was a really expensive store for not very cute clothes that every 12 year old wanted. Needless to say, middle school was harsh. I used to take my birthday money and buy one shirt from there (because I couldn’t afford much else) and then wear it with my old tapered jeans. I knew I didn’t want to wear heavy make up or grow out my hair but I also desperately wanted to fit in. This winning combination created a fashion sense that never quite made sense or looked right. Every birthday I wanted my money to be able to transform me with make up or the right clothes. The older I got, the worse it got. I only wore things my friends or boys liked. Pretty soon I was acting how I thought those same people wanted me to act. Sometimes I would embrace my talent of humor only to cower when someone else didn’t approve. When my friends got together and discussed all the things they wanted to change about themselves, I joined in not realizing the consequences. It’s a common story for girls to hate themselves. I’m not sure if any of us realize what we’re doing until we manage to get out of it (if we ever do manage that). My journals were filled with all my desires to change every little thing about myself and I constantly thought about being someone else and how happy that would make me. It’s a secret life of being a girl that I didn’t tap into until evenings with girlfriends over coffee cups or glasses of wine when we would all share similar stories. We never talked like this when we were younger (probably out of fear of not fitting in) but as adult women we could finally unleash the years of self-hatred. Too often I see a little girl being told how adorable she is or forced to kiss and hug people from their family, church, babysitters, or friends of their parents even when they clearly don’t want to. I hear teenage girls asked about boyfriends and prom dates instead of their college plans or other interests. Parents explain to their daughters not to dress a certain way and attract negative attention while church youth groups (not all) explain that young girls should be careful about how their male peers might view them (i.e. don’t wear revealing clothing). If we don’t have a current boyfriend then we should be weary of how we’ll appear one day to our future husband. The messages are all clear that the way men see us defines us. No wonder young girls take it hard when one boy doesn’t give them attention or blows them off. No wonder that a teenager may feel like her world is over if she isn’t wearing the right outfit. No wonder journals across America are filled with dreams of looking different or plastic surgery. Now I’m able to share these feelings of inadequacy with other women and learn to deal with them in a healthy way. I have self confidence and dreams that far exceed a husband (sorry, Aaron but you really are awesome too) but I still can’t help but wonder if I would be even farther if I hadn’t spent all those years hating myself. Where would I be if I’d been able to see the good things about myself and love my reflection in the mirror rather than wanting to look like the most popular girl in school? I can’t change the past and wouldn’t if I had the choice; now I have a non-profit where I work with teen girls, a great and equal relationship, and amazing friends! Despite all this, I do want one thing so desperately. If I have a daughter, I want a world where she doesn’t feel the way I felt. I want a world for her where she knows she’s wonderful just the way she is and that her talents and self-confidence can take her anywhere she wants in life. I want this world not just for my future daughter, but also for every girl. We can start this world in our homes, places of worship, schools, streets, media, and wherever we are. Slowly maybe journals can fill up with hopes, dreams, and things that make girls happy, not sad or depressed. Life can’t be perfect but it doesn’t have to involve self-hatred. That’s my birthday wish this year.

Dating

Sorry for the lack of posts followers, someone should really explain to others that starting your dream job, planning a wedding, and moving should all be separate activities. Don't do all these things at once, kids. But recently my impending wedding and working with teens has got me thinking about dating. Let's dive in shall we? When I was in high school, various adults in my life (not my parents) would say over and over how teens shouldn't date. Some were more into "courtship" (the definition of which is always super creepy and sexist) and had conservative reasons for not dating as a teen (i.e. dating is only for getting married) and some just felt like teens should enjoy being teens and not worry about dating or marriage. Okay, fine, and I always felt like some people were just being judgmental and wanting to "throw their age around" so to speak. As a result, all these mixed messages just confused me greatly on how to view dating and being young. I wasn't supposed to be thinking of marriage but at the same time I was supposed to be not dating because of my future husband. But by not dating I would never meet my future husband or learn how to have dinner with a man so I would never be able to date said future husband. Oh, wait...I wasn't supposed to be thinking of my future husband. See my point? Dating in high school for me had fun and innocent moments like holding hands for the first time or eating too much candy in a movie together. It also had dramatic moments and fighting or arguing just because we were teenagers and were very dramatic individuals. I learned how to recognize verbal abuse from a boyfriend and how to end that relationship. I also made mistakes like being dramatic during a break up or jumping into a relationship immediately after a break up. Some of my experiences were fun and some were most definitely not but they were all MY experiences. I learned a lot and as an adult who's now engaged I don't regret holding hands or having a first kiss with someone other than my future husband (he doesn't care either). My soul is not in eternal danger because I didn't "court" rather than date (seriously, even the word alone is creepy). The only regret I do have is listening to all the mixed messages at that age. Those mixed messages carried into my early twenties and were no less confusing. You see, everyone was concerned about me in relation to my future husband. No one really seemed to care about ME and MY dreams. I'm a lot more than my dating history and I consider those memories to be humorous stories at dinners with friends or learning experiences for my current relationship. I also hope that if I ever have a daughter one day that these experiences will remind me not to judge her when she goes through a horrible break up at sixteen. I don't ever want to say, "In ten years you'll have ten more break ups under your belt" but rather "I know, it feels like your heart is going to explode." Dating in my teen years taught me a lot about heartache and fun but it was so confusing to navigate with everyone constantly talking about my future husband (except my mom, she told me if I was engaged before college she would send me away). I wish the other adults in my life would have understood that dating is normal and I wasn't going to hell if I held hands or kissed a teenage boy (I'd say "or girl" but in youth group that wasn't really discussed as an option...shocking). Dating really turned around in my college life though. Around 20, I decided marriage didn't seem like my thing and then I just dated around. And do you know what? I had the best time! I saw some great movies and had some great laughs. I went on a blind date and got into a screaming match about politics at Applebees (awesome) and I had some great conversations with some great people. Sometimes when my friends say, "there are no more good guys/girls left" I think you're right...nut ONLY if you're strictly looking for "the one" or your "soulmate". That sounds like a disappointing process. But if you're just looking for a meal or some conversation, dating becomes low pressure and...FUN! Can you believe it? All those romantic comedies are lying about how torturous dating is! Meeting people and trying new things (like sushi or rock climbing) are FUN! Even my screaming match was a little fun...well, much after the fact. I had some long relationships and some random dates but it all was great. And whenever I was single and desiring my soulmate it got less fun. Sure, once or twice I got my heart broken but I also broke some hearts of my own and I learned how to handle rejection well (eventually) and how to let down others well (again, eventually). Okay, and along the way I did decide to get married but only after meeting a guy where I realized I actually wanted the type of marriage we would have together (equal and tons of laughter...oh, and good food). My future is not my soul mate, if I lived in California it would be someone else or maybe no one at all. But he is a great man who is incredible and sweet (awwwwww). And maybe your story will end with you not getting married (or maybe legally you'll be able to soon) or you'll live together for many many many years. Either way, it's your story and your life. Just remember that your dating life isn't your life at all. It's a part of your life that will sometimes be awesome and sometimes not. You're in charge of your dating life, not fate and you can decide what's fun and what's not. So meet some people or even "court" as long it's your decision for you and you alone. And along the way I'm sure you'll make great new friends, maybe a husband, wife, or partner, and even eat some great food. Now I'm starving. Great.