Okay, I will warn you that I am angry. False, I am a little bit enraged. For good reason too. One of my friends (let’s call him Brad) is trying to give my other friend (let’s call him Derek) dating advice (both are white males). Brad is in the process of convincing Derek that any time (no exaggeration) a female approaches a male, she is flirting and that Derek should take opportunity to pursue her.
This angers me. Has my feminism done nothing to save my friends from heteronormative, sexist, outdated, and potentially threatening conquests? Have I failed? No, I haven’t but Brad sure has.
1) Viewing every women (or man) that you meet isn’t the best idea. For one, you turn the other person into their sex, gender identity, etc. rather than a human being. You also create an expectation, or a sexual script rather than two people genuinely getting to know the other. Plus, if none of the other reasons appeal to your senses, it puts a lot of pressure and makes you look like a douche. As a woman…who talks to other women…we know when you’re doing that , it’s not subtle, and it’s a huge turn off.
2) It adds to the discourse that women aren’t safe in any space. Think about it, men can go as they please, read alone in a coffee shop or whatever. When women do that, men approach us and spoil our alone time. Not saying that friends aren’t welcomed to say hi or any other extreme lesson, but to be actively even aggressively pursued is so uncool. Women (in general) don’t do that to men so don’t do it to us!
3) As a woman, it makes me less likely to say hi or be friendly (not to say that women ever need to be those things). But if every time I say hi to a guy and he asks me on a date, or gives me his number, or gets angry when I say no, or hell, even acts like I should be flattered by this attention, eventually I’ll stop saying hi. And that sucks for me because my personal choice is eventually taken away. As a woman I no longer feel safe saying hi…super fair, right?
So what to do instead? Enjoy life and all it brings. Maybe it’s just a really good conversation with a stranger or a really cool friendship! Maybe it is a love connection but one that happens more organically rather than taking advantage of friendliness or curiosity.
I feel MUCH better now. P.S. Anyone want a date with “Brad”?