Teens

Recently on a show, Oprah explained that she feels girls are their most authentic selves before they discover "boys". Of course, she explained that this is just her opinion but I hapen to agree. Her point was that before a girl learns that she is supposed to be what boys want (society's message), they are just themselves.

I've also been reading a great book called Girlfighting which addresses these "new" (the book explained this phenomena is in fact NOT new but the media coverage is) claims of "mean girls". It takes you through childhood to adulthood and offers societal explanations of why girls are TAUGHT to deal with fellow girls differently than their male counterparts. It's very cool.

It's gotten me to think about my own experiences growing up. For me, I grew up in the youth group, which made teen years ESPECIALLY difficult for me. Being a pastor's kid, I learned early on that people were watching me. In youth group, I did have some cool moments, but mostly, I felt depressed, lonely, and terrorized. When I started high school, I really lost the desire to be popular (I was all about it in middle school). My mom and dad were really awesome and taught me to love myself. So when I started youth group, I was in a pretty decent place (as much as a fourteen year old can be).

The trouble started when we started discussing what a "godly" woman should be. There was a lot of talk about quiet strength, obedience to God, and basically taking a back seat to men. I was...NONE and I mean NONE of those things. At first, the boys started making a few notations of this. At first, they told me I was funny and life was good. I had a lot of girlfriends and had a place. Around sophomore year though, the boys started saying that I wasn't a very godly woman. Then, the girls took notice. It was horrific. I was picked on, talked about behind my back, and there was even a "meeting" held about me by the girls in the youth group.

The last straw was when one of the boys came to me and said the other youth group girls came to him complaining that I had called myself pretty once. What the hell? Of course I was pretty...we all were! Everybody's pretty! But I was told godly woman don't think that way. I just wanted to fit in. I also wanted a boyfriend one day. And when girls and boys are telling you boys don't like funny and smart girls with confidence... So, I played the role. I began to HATE myself. I used to stand in front of the mirror for hours just thinking how I hated myself. Pretty soon, I started to hate other people too. I was so angry and couldn't get over how ugly I was that there was no love for anyone else.

Luckily my mother stepped in though (yeah, she kind of rocks). She guided me out of youth group and pretty soon I had a group of friends outside the church. There was still a little high school drama but we really loved each other...and ourselves. We were all unique and enjoyed it (we totally called ourselves the Ya-Yas because oh yeah, we were that cool). Those girls saved my life and also helped me find my own feminism. I learned the value of women and the kick ass power that comes when women help each other (no wonder silly mens try to divide us).

I tell this story for many reasons. I do want to stress that the church wasn't the reason for this. In fact, I work with the same church's youth group now and the kids are amazing! Even better the youth pastor there encourages individuality and working together. It's kind of healing for me to watch. But it is a story of how far I was willing to go for a boy (and to be liked). When the question should always be, how far am I willing to go for ME?