Thursday, October 11, 2012
Dating
Sorry for the lack of posts followers, someone should really explain to others that starting your dream job, planning a wedding, and moving should all be separate activities. Don't do all these things at once, kids. But recently my impending wedding and working with teens has got me thinking about dating. Let's dive in shall we?
When I was in high school, various adults in my life (not my parents) would say over and over how teens shouldn't date. Some were more into "courtship" (the definition of which is always super creepy and sexist) and had conservative reasons for not dating as a teen (i.e. dating is only for getting married) and some just felt like teens should enjoy being teens and not worry about dating or marriage. Okay, fine, and I always felt like some people were just being judgmental and wanting to "throw their age around" so to speak. As a result, all these mixed messages just confused me greatly on how to view dating and being young. I wasn't supposed to be thinking of marriage but at the same time I was supposed to be not dating because of my future husband. But by not dating I would never meet my future husband or learn how to have dinner with a man so I would never be able to date said future husband. Oh, wait...I wasn't supposed to be thinking of my future husband. See my point?
Dating in high school for me had fun and innocent moments like holding hands for the first time or eating too much candy in a movie together. It also had dramatic moments and fighting or arguing just because we were teenagers and were very dramatic individuals. I learned how to recognize verbal abuse from a boyfriend and how to end that relationship. I also made mistakes like being dramatic during a break up or jumping into a relationship immediately after a break up. Some of my experiences were fun and some were most definitely not but they were all MY experiences. I learned a lot and as an adult who's now engaged I don't regret holding hands or having a first kiss with someone other than my future husband (he doesn't care either). My soul is not in eternal danger because I didn't "court" rather than date (seriously, even the word alone is creepy).
The only regret I do have is listening to all the mixed messages at that age. Those mixed messages carried into my early twenties and were no less confusing. You see, everyone was concerned about me in relation to my future husband. No one really seemed to care about ME and MY dreams. I'm a lot more than my dating history and I consider those memories to be humorous stories at dinners with friends or learning experiences for my current relationship. I also hope that if I ever have a daughter one day that these experiences will remind me not to judge her when she goes through a horrible break up at sixteen. I don't ever want to say, "In ten years you'll have ten more break ups under your belt" but rather "I know, it feels like your heart is going to explode."
Dating in my teen years taught me a lot about heartache and fun but it was so confusing to navigate with everyone constantly talking about my future husband (except my mom, she told me if I was engaged before college she would send me away). I wish the other adults in my life would have understood that dating is normal and I wasn't going to hell if I held hands or kissed a teenage boy (I'd say "or girl" but in youth group that wasn't really discussed as an option...shocking).
Dating really turned around in my college life though. Around 20, I decided marriage didn't seem like my thing and then I just dated around. And do you know what? I had the best time! I saw some great movies and had some great laughs. I went on a blind date and got into a screaming match about politics at Applebees (awesome) and I had some great conversations with some great people. Sometimes when my friends say, "there are no more good guys/girls left" I think you're right...nut ONLY if you're strictly looking for "the one" or your "soulmate". That sounds like a disappointing process. But if you're just looking for a meal or some conversation, dating becomes low pressure and...FUN! Can you believe it? All those romantic comedies are lying about how torturous dating is! Meeting people and trying new things (like sushi or rock climbing) are FUN! Even my screaming match was a little fun...well, much after the fact. I had some long relationships and some random dates but it all was great. And whenever I was single and desiring my soulmate it got less fun. Sure, once or twice I got my heart broken but I also broke some hearts of my own and I learned how to handle rejection well (eventually) and how to let down others well (again, eventually).
Okay, and along the way I did decide to get married but only after meeting a guy where I realized I actually wanted the type of marriage we would have together (equal and tons of laughter...oh, and good food). My future is not my soul mate, if I lived in California it would be someone else or maybe no one at all. But he is a great man who is incredible and sweet (awwwwww). And maybe your story will end with you not getting married (or maybe legally you'll be able to soon) or you'll live together for many many many years. Either way, it's your story and your life. Just remember that your dating life isn't your life at all. It's a part of your life that will sometimes be awesome and sometimes not. You're in charge of your dating life, not fate and you can decide what's fun and what's not. So meet some people or even "court" as long it's your decision for you and you alone. And along the way I'm sure you'll make great new friends, maybe a husband, wife, or partner, and even eat some great food. Now I'm starving. Great.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
An Honest Conversation
The other day I was looking through pictures and saw a pair of thin and attractive legs. I thought to myself how much I wanted those legs. I thought about all the flaws my body has and struggled to rid myself of these thoughts. Each new image of yet another thing wrong with my physical appearance flew at me before I flipped to the next picture and realized those legs were my own in the picture.
I was shocked and physically ill. How screwed up is my body image? I do non profit work to combat these issues but that doesn't mean that I'm immune to poor body image. Doing yoga and meditation has helped my body image but after my mistaken "legs" incident, I realized something. The way I view my body is just inaccurate. What I see in the mirror is not reliable. I love being healthy and feeling stronger but I don't enjoy picking my body apart. I also don't like how easily it happens. Some days are great and other days I criticize myself so much that I begin to bate my body. The key is that I am learning tools to lessen this hatred and call bullshit on societal expectations. Let's be clear that there's nothing wrong with exercise and healthy eating but there IS something wrong with doing it to fit a narrow box of what society says women need to be.
Our society puts so much pressure on girls/women and I could lie and say that I have conquered body issues. But clearly I haven't. The more honest I am, the more honest other young women can be with me during my non profit work. The answer is never covering it up in my opinion. I want other women to feel safe opening up to other women about this. Instead of judgement, let's offer understanding and acceptance. Let's start an honest conversation with our mothers, daughters, friends, sisters, and men in our lives. Let's bring the safe space out of the classroom, living room, or women's center, and into the public sphere.
I was shocked and physically ill. How screwed up is my body image? I do non profit work to combat these issues but that doesn't mean that I'm immune to poor body image. Doing yoga and meditation has helped my body image but after my mistaken "legs" incident, I realized something. The way I view my body is just inaccurate. What I see in the mirror is not reliable. I love being healthy and feeling stronger but I don't enjoy picking my body apart. I also don't like how easily it happens. Some days are great and other days I criticize myself so much that I begin to bate my body. The key is that I am learning tools to lessen this hatred and call bullshit on societal expectations. Let's be clear that there's nothing wrong with exercise and healthy eating but there IS something wrong with doing it to fit a narrow box of what society says women need to be.
Our society puts so much pressure on girls/women and I could lie and say that I have conquered body issues. But clearly I haven't. The more honest I am, the more honest other young women can be with me during my non profit work. The answer is never covering it up in my opinion. I want other women to feel safe opening up to other women about this. Instead of judgement, let's offer understanding and acceptance. Let's start an honest conversation with our mothers, daughters, friends, sisters, and men in our lives. Let's bring the safe space out of the classroom, living room, or women's center, and into the public sphere.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Turning 25
For a year I've been preparing myself for this day. Tomorrow on the 21st, I turn 25. At first, it seemed like a new right of passage involving more bills, more responsibility, more boring grown up stuff, etc. However, I slowly learned that 25 is not a normal birthday.
It started when I got engaged (yay) and noticed that a lot of my other friends had already married or were not planning to wait as long as I was (hey, I wanted to wait until 2020). Some people found my 2014 wedding date was odd...not a big deal, right? Then I started to want to have a baby. Also, not a big deal. My partner also started to feel like in our future he would want a child so at least we're on the same page. Here's the thing about thinking you may want a child...I soon recognized all the children that are around me and the ages of my friends. Not a good idea. Some had their kids when they were younger than 25 (not important, we're all different).
After all these crazy thoughts and feelings,I was watching OWN's Masterclass with Jane Fonda and she was explaining the 3 "acts" of our lives. Act 1 is birth to 30, Act 2 is 30 to 60 and Act 3 is 60-whenever your last breath is. She was talking about a time when she was 59 and freaking out about starting her last act and wanting it to matter (my words paraphrasing). This resulted in a total life change (I so love her).
That's when all hell broke loose. Thinking in those terms that 25 is the beginning of the end of my last act is a lot different than saying I'm not quite 30 yet. I started mentioning to friends that 25 has brought up all these thoughts and feelings I didn't know I had, and ironically enough, other women agreed.
Some of my friends who passed 25 shared that they too felt pressure (from all different areas i.e. professional, personal, social, etc.) and that the age was much harder than 26 or 27. I think the issue is that 25 has become some magical number where those of us in our 20s feel we need to have a path. We don't have to know our future but we need a job, a steady boyfriend if not a husband (come on, straight gals)...a steady future of some kind.
Ummmm I know 80 year olds who don't have a "steady" future and thank goodness for that! Shouldn't we all be allowed to throw a wrench in this thing called life whenever we're not on board with the direction? I'm in my 20s and confused but hopeful about the future and that's okay. There's no age where we suddenly figure everything out. My friends who have children already, don't suddenly know what's going to happen every day for the rest of their loves either (kids kind of throw you surprises). We're all following our own path (and friends with babies means I can babysit and play with their kids whenever they need a break).
Wherever we are is okay. This is where we're supposed to be whether it's overcoming a rough patch, loving every minute, etc. It's our own path that no one can take away (woohoo). 25 doesn't mean you need to be married, single, with children, without children, in your career, unemployed, or whatever else you can think of. 25 just is.
For me, 25 feels like the future promise of my nonprofit, a partnership, and some of the best relationships with other women that I've ever had. For you, it might mean being a Karate champ or having your first baby, or finally feeling independent. Whatever it is, it's yours. And I wouldn't trade any of my confusing, frustrating, surprising, depressing, or beautiful moments for anything. Hmmm on second thought I'd like to be a karate champ...
It started when I got engaged (yay) and noticed that a lot of my other friends had already married or were not planning to wait as long as I was (hey, I wanted to wait until 2020). Some people found my 2014 wedding date was odd...not a big deal, right? Then I started to want to have a baby. Also, not a big deal. My partner also started to feel like in our future he would want a child so at least we're on the same page. Here's the thing about thinking you may want a child...I soon recognized all the children that are around me and the ages of my friends. Not a good idea. Some had their kids when they were younger than 25 (not important, we're all different).
After all these crazy thoughts and feelings,I was watching OWN's Masterclass with Jane Fonda and she was explaining the 3 "acts" of our lives. Act 1 is birth to 30, Act 2 is 30 to 60 and Act 3 is 60-whenever your last breath is. She was talking about a time when she was 59 and freaking out about starting her last act and wanting it to matter (my words paraphrasing). This resulted in a total life change (I so love her).
That's when all hell broke loose. Thinking in those terms that 25 is the beginning of the end of my last act is a lot different than saying I'm not quite 30 yet. I started mentioning to friends that 25 has brought up all these thoughts and feelings I didn't know I had, and ironically enough, other women agreed.
Some of my friends who passed 25 shared that they too felt pressure (from all different areas i.e. professional, personal, social, etc.) and that the age was much harder than 26 or 27. I think the issue is that 25 has become some magical number where those of us in our 20s feel we need to have a path. We don't have to know our future but we need a job, a steady boyfriend if not a husband (come on, straight gals)...a steady future of some kind.
Ummmm I know 80 year olds who don't have a "steady" future and thank goodness for that! Shouldn't we all be allowed to throw a wrench in this thing called life whenever we're not on board with the direction? I'm in my 20s and confused but hopeful about the future and that's okay. There's no age where we suddenly figure everything out. My friends who have children already, don't suddenly know what's going to happen every day for the rest of their loves either (kids kind of throw you surprises). We're all following our own path (and friends with babies means I can babysit and play with their kids whenever they need a break).
Wherever we are is okay. This is where we're supposed to be whether it's overcoming a rough patch, loving every minute, etc. It's our own path that no one can take away (woohoo). 25 doesn't mean you need to be married, single, with children, without children, in your career, unemployed, or whatever else you can think of. 25 just is.
For me, 25 feels like the future promise of my nonprofit, a partnership, and some of the best relationships with other women that I've ever had. For you, it might mean being a Karate champ or having your first baby, or finally feeling independent. Whatever it is, it's yours. And I wouldn't trade any of my confusing, frustrating, surprising, depressing, or beautiful moments for anything. Hmmm on second thought I'd like to be a karate champ...
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