Okay, so when I started to blog I wanted to analyze pop culture and hot topics from my feminist Christian background. I didn’t want a MySpace type diary or anything along those lines. Instead, I wanted to use my personal experiences while still keeping some to myself (crazy in this day and age). But I also know that being honest with other women is important in a world where we’re increasingly encouraged to engage in jealous/negative behavior. There’s no room for honesty when we’re all trying to prove nothing’s wrong.
Conflicting feelings have never been more present in my life than my engagement/wedding planning. I find myself wondering a lot does anyone else feel this way? No, this blog post isn’t going to be too much information or make you wonder why this isn’t in my diary. But maybe you’ll relate to it or laugh a little (or think I’m weird). Hopefully, I make a little sense and am able to share my point without sharing my whole personal life online. Here goes.
I’ve written about my engagement before when it first happened and why my partner and I decided to get married. I know we engaged people love to chat about the wedding and our brand new lives together blah blah gag me, but I’ve had some different feelings since planning the actual wedding day and our lives together.
When I first got engaged I didn’t want a ring and was weary about the wedding planning process because I’ve seen quite a few friends go crazy once this started (not all my friends) and if it can happen to them it can happen to me. I started slowly booking things and decided on a two-year engagement because, quite frankly, I was scared. I was scared to become all about “me” and “my day” and lose all my friends and family because I turned into an awful human being like on the television show Bridezillas.
Pause. Let’s take a second to think about how we view brides in the media. Usually it’s a heterosexual woman who is stressed, mean, or crazy (or all of the above). So already we’re talking about a heteronormative view that also doesn’t really depict women in a nice way. We make jokes about “bridezillas”, watch them on television, and joke about our girlfriends who live up to this stereotype. While some shows also depict men in a negative light or include same sex weddings (gee, what an honor) the stereotype is normally directed toward straight women. “Bridezilla” themed showers and bachelorette parties are often seen as a fun light hearted way to celebrate, now making this negative view of women a main stream joke. But are we really in on the joke?
If you’re not the bride and you have a vagina, you’re automatically put in the jealous bridesmaid category. See, you’re not left out either ladies! Movies like Bachelorette and 27 Dresses depict the old saying “always a bridesmaid, never a bride”. Because all women care about is being a bride or taking a bride down. How do we have time to do anything else in life?
Play. Now that we have a little overview maybe it’s a little more clear why I was so hesitant to start planning and therefore officially taking my title as “bride”. At a food tasting I attended, a woman in charge asked for the name of the bride and I just stood there waiting for the bride to speak up until one minute later I realized it was me. Oops.
I didn’t want a white dress but once I started looking at dresses I got the fever and tried them on in a nice boutique where I spent a kidney and a leg on a gorgeous designer gown. I joked that this was my most important fashion choice ever. I also looked at wedding rings one day (my future sister in law used to work in a very nice jewelry store) and all things sparkly distracted me. Well, that night my partner and I decided a ring would be a nice symbol and so he picked out one.
That’s when things started to spiral.
Disclaimer: before I continue I’m not judging women or men who completely embrace the wedding planning process. I understand that for same sex couples being able to legally plan a wedding is a new dream come true or still a dream to come true depending on where you live. I also understand that to even plan a wedding requires money and family support (financially, emotionally, etc.) and I am officially recognizing my place of privilege while also analyzing my own personal journey through my own engagement.
So I was spiraling. All at once everyone was excited and wanted to see a picture of my dress (which was nice and sweet, don’t get me wrong) and once my ring was on my finger everyone wanted to see it…even strangers. There was a lot of attention on me, not my partner, and suddenly strangers, friends, and family were always asking me about what I wanted for the ceremony, reception, bridal shower, etc. In other words, life was all about me. I am not exactly a wallflower so I didn’t exactly mind this attention.
Women would grab my hand and I would proudly show off my ring. What happened to a symbol of love and conflict free diamonds? Apparently I traded in my TOMS for some Jimmy Choos and enjoyed the ride. Then, I needed to make more and more decisions and pretty soon between all the attention and demands on my time I crashed. I couldn’t handle any more wedding, engagement, or diamond attention for the time being.
It was easy for me to get wrapped up in wedding, wedding, wedding because part of me liked it. Everyone showering a bride to be with attention was suddenly very appealing to me and after supporting my own friends it was nice to get some showering of my own. But over the summer I stopped all wedding planning temporarily. I needed to find myself again.
My partner and I moved in together officially, adopted a dog, and started to plan our lives together. We went on a few family vacations and I felt relaxed and ready for our new chapter as a couple. I’m excited for our wedding day (and my wedding dress) but it’s a beautiful day. I’m more excited for our beautiful life.
Now when people ask to see my ring I can calm myself, say thank you, and mention what a beautiful gift it is from my partner and how impressed I am with his skill to pick a piece of jewelry on his own that fits me so well. It’s a nice moment instead of a validating moment. When I show people my wedding dress it’s a beautiful dress that I am so happy to wear while also recognizing that what makes me truly happy is my whole life (and all my other fashion choices).
Some people may want to show off a huge diamond, their new last name (still keeping mine), or obsess about the wedding and I think that’s a great choice too. I understand people who love and embrace the experience and I also understand people who just want the marriage license. My way isn’t the only or right way but for me, I needed to take a step back. I try not to stress about the wedding and instead plan a great party for our friends and family who we love so much. It’s a fun process that I feel blessed to have with my partner and enjoy rather than obsess.
I’m a lot more than a bride to be. I’m a daughter, friend, CEO, rescue dog mom, Sunday school teacher, fashionista, cook, and hilarious person. I just happen to be getting married to an awesome guy. Without my wedding I would be still be amazing and all those things. And my dress is crazy awesome.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Yet Another Wedding Post
Okay, so when I started to blog I wanted to analyze pop culture and hot topics from my feminist Christian background. I didn’t want a MySpace type diary or anything along those lines. Instead, I wanted to use my personal experiences while still keeping some to myself (crazy in this day and age). But I also know that being honest with other women is important in a world where we’re increasingly encouraged to engage in jealous/negative behavior. There’s no room for honesty when we’re all trying to prove nothing’s wrong.
Conflicting feelings have never been more present in my life than my engagement/wedding planning. I find myself wondering a lot does anyone else feel this way? No, this blog post isn’t going to be too much information or make you wonder why this isn’t in my diary. But maybe you’ll relate to it or laugh a little (or think I’m weird). Hopefully, I make a little sense and am able to share my point without sharing my whole personal life online. Here goes.
I’ve written about my engagement before when it first happened and why my partner and I decided to get married. I know we engaged people love to chat about the wedding and our brand new lives together blah blah gag me, but I’ve had some different feelings since planning the actual wedding day and our lives together.
When I first got engaged I didn’t want a ring and was weary about the wedding planning process because I’ve seen quite a few friends go crazy once this started (not all my friends) and if it can happen to them it can happen to me. I started slowly booking things and decided on a two-year engagement because, quite frankly, I was scared. I was scared to become all about “me” and “my day” and lose all my friends and family because I turned into an awful human being like on the television show Bridezillas.
Pause. Let’s take a second to think about how we view brides in the media. Usually it’s a heterosexual woman who is stressed, mean, or crazy (or all of the above). So already we’re talking about a heteronormative view that also doesn’t really depict women in a nice way. We make jokes about “bridezillas”, watch them on television, and joke about our girlfriends who live up to this stereotype. While some shows also depict men in a negative light or include same sex weddings (gee, what an honor) the stereotype is normally directed toward straight women. “Bridezilla” themed showers and bachelorette parties are often seen as a fun light hearted way to celebrate, now making this negative view of women a main stream joke. But are we really in on the joke?
If you’re not the bride and you have a vagina, you’re automatically put in the jealous bridesmaid category. See, you’re not left out either ladies! Movies like Bachelorette and 27 Dresses depict the old saying “always a bridesmaid, never a bride”. Because all women care about is being a bride or taking a bride down. How do we have time to do anything else in life?
Play. Now that we have a little overview maybe it’s a little more clear why I was so hesitant to start planning and therefore officially taking my title as “bride”. At a food tasting I attended, a woman in charge asked for the name of the bride and I just stood there waiting for the bride to speak up until one minute later I realized it was me. Oops.
I didn’t want a white dress but once I started looking at dresses I got the fever and tried them on in a nice boutique where I spent a kidney and a leg on a gorgeous designer gown. I joked that this was my most important fashion choice ever. I also looked at wedding rings one day (my future sister in law used to work in a very nice jewelry store) and all things sparkly distracted me. Well, that night my partner and I decided a ring would be a nice symbol and so he picked out one.
That’s when things started to spiral.
Disclaimer: before I continue I’m not judging women or men who completely embrace the wedding planning process. I understand that for same sex couples being able to legally plan a wedding is a new dream come true or still a dream to come true depending on where you live. I also understand that to even plan a wedding requires money and family support (financially, emotionally, etc.) and I am officially recognizing my place of privilege while also analyzing my own personal journey through my own engagement.
So I was spiraling. All at once everyone was excited and wanted to see a picture of my dress (which was nice and sweet, don’t get me wrong) and once my ring was on my finger everyone wanted to see it…even strangers. There was a lot of attention on me, not my partner, and suddenly strangers, friends, and family were always asking me about what I wanted for the ceremony, reception, bridal shower, etc. In other words, life was all about me. I am not exactly a wallflower so I didn’t exactly mind this attention.
Women would grab my hand and I would proudly show off my ring. What happened to a symbol of love and conflict free diamonds? Apparently I traded in my TOMS for some Jimmy Choos and enjoyed the ride. Then, I needed to make more and more decisions and pretty soon between all the attention and demands on my time I crashed. I couldn’t handle any more wedding, engagement, or diamond attention for the time being.
It was easy for me to get wrapped up in wedding, wedding, wedding because part of me liked it. Everyone showering a bride to be with attention was suddenly very appealing to me and after supporting my own friends it was nice to get some showering of my own. But over the summer I stopped all wedding planning temporarily. I needed to find myself again.
My partner and I moved in together officially, adopted a dog, and started to plan our lives together. We went on a few family vacations and I felt relaxed and ready for our new chapter as a couple. I’m excited for our wedding day (and my wedding dress) but it’s a beautiful day. I’m more excited for our beautiful life.
Now when people ask to see my ring I can calm myself, say thank you, and mention what a beautiful gift it is from my partner and how impressed I am with his skill to pick a piece of jewelry on his own that fits me so well. It’s a nice moment instead of a validating moment. When I show people my wedding dress it’s a beautiful dress that I am so happy to wear while also recognizing that what makes me truly happy is my whole life (and all my other fashion choices).
Some people may want to show off a huge diamond, their new last name (still keeping mine), or obsess about the wedding and I think that’s a great choice too. I understand people who love and embrace the experience and I also understand people who just want the marriage license. My way isn’t the only or right way but for me, I needed to take a step back. I try not to stress about the wedding and instead plan a great party for our friends and family who we love so much. It’s a fun process that I feel blessed to have with my partner and enjoy rather than obsess.
I’m a lot more than a bride to be. I’m a daughter, friend, CEO, rescue dog mom, Sunday school teacher, fashionista, cook, and hilarious person. I just happen to be getting married to an awesome guy. Without my wedding I would be still be amazing and all those things. And my dress is crazy awesome.
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